One day everything will be okay....

So here I am, back at it again. Everything had been "stuck" for a while but now it's moving and already aggressively. Papers were served, motions were filed and dates were set. Of course the date doesn't work for my ex so it's going to get moved. I'm pushing for sooner because later does not work for me and I know that's what he's pushing for. We are already having too many co-parenting issues and power struggles. For my children's sake things can not continue this way. I constantly have my ex dictating to me thinking he is in charge and has now twice this week tried to accuse me of lying. The most ridiculous part is that I have texts upon texts upon text backing me up. You'd think at this point it would be figured out that I'm smart enough to not say something unless I have things in place backing me up. "Oh I didn't try calling you multiple times because you don't have any missed calls..." Here's a picture of my call log. "Oh I haven't tried communicating numerous times about how time is split up..." I not only have pictures of those conversations but am also smart enough to back up all my texts.... alllll of them. I went to sleep last night furious. I wanted to wake up and think "Today is a new day" however I have just spent my day communicating with my attorney over the matter. I guess for now I have to sit back, take everything as it comes and prepare for battle.

So it's gone there...

After months of waiting my ex has finally been served and he has done a complete 180. Tonight I caught him trying to record our phone conversation when I was reaching out to him to try to co-parent an issue I know 150% sure that he has had to deal with. Now all of a sudden he says that has never happened and tried to record the conversation. Thankfully I caught on and hung up. Now all communication is through writing. My attorney had suggested I do only that from the beginning but I was hoping we wouldn't have to get to that point. Apparently I was wrong. It's actually disgusting to me, especially when it comes to trying to use the kids. All I care about is what's best for my kids. This divorce was doing enough on a number on them as it was and now it has to get nasty. 

I guess at the end of the day I have to remember I am a fighter and I refuse to sink.

Cats out of the bag...

By now it's no longer a secret as it came flying out of my mouth...

On May 13th, to mark being married for 7 years that day, I signed an official contract with my attorney.

May 29th, I filled for divorce and since then they have been having quite a hard time getting him served. Three weeks following that date, the sheriff returned the papers to my attorney since the sheriff was unable to locate him. This situation raises a lot of questions and it was eating away at me keeping my mouth shut about what I finally decided to do. Since it came out, I have been more relaxed and not feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. Now this also explains why we are moving back to our former state leaving behind the one we have come to call home.

That brings us to today. After all the stress of this step as well as numerous work stresses (my phone has been going off with issues all morning on my time off), I am heading to the North Folk of New York  for a wine tasting female family reunion. This is a much needed get away and we are sitting in the car waiting to board the ferry. 

The journey to relaxation begins....

New day

Yesterday I was a bit cranky, sorry about that, but today is a new day and this morning I am in a pretty decent mood.

Not only did I get to wake up excited for the weekend but getting my car packed up to head to the lake house made it even better. The last time my significant other and I got to go up there alone was last fall and we had such a nice relaxing time. I think it is exactly what is in order to regroup and relax. Granted our cat isn't too happy about us leaving for the weekend but he's a cat, he'll be fine. I am even looking forward to the 2 hour car ride I'm embarking on right after this busy day at work. I'm excited to get up there, get some grocery shopping done, stop at the liquor store and enjoy some quiet time by myself before my significant other arrives after work.

Speaking of the dream boat himself, today he took the first step to attempting to quit smoking. I am so very excited about this. I quit (for the second time, last time was 8 years) almost 7 months ago and I'm excited for him to experience how much better life is once you kick that habit, never mind he's not going to stink anymore or stink me up by association.

So far today is a great day, however it is early and I have a long list of "unique" clients coming. Just need to look forward to 5:30 and hope I can actually get out of where I work due to a Flag Day parade closing down all the streets around the area. I figure in comparison to everything else going on, navigating around a parade should be a piece of cake :)

First

Today may be a two post day. I figure I'll start now while my work computer has decided to crash while trying to do payroll. Thank goodness for the nifty blogger app. 

Today I am weighing out the pros and cons of Facebook. I'm questioning if I really want the drama of it anymore. I do think its a great tool to stay in touch with friends and family but its also access to things I really just don't care about. I go on it to see what's new in people's lives but when I do that and my whole feed is couples posting on each others walls all day it just get ridiculous. First off- don't you work? Second- ever heard of texting? My new solution to this is to just either unfriend you (which I'm sure will turn dramatic) or block them from my feed. There are also those that you know only remain friends with you as something to talk about. I'll even admit that some days I only keep mine to see my significant others page (sorry, honest but true). Also, there was a picture posted recently asking if we really care about our privacy why are we so willing to give it up so freely on these social sights. That is something to really think about. 

Yes, I am aware I am writing this in a public forum about a private matter in my life but this is my outlet and I made sure to take steps to protect myself and my family so I can speak freely. Unfortunately, I also didn't start this blog for this reason, however this is life and if by any chance someone could stumble across it and help them not feel alone in this journey I am more then happy to help.

Well, work computer is up and running again. Time to make sure everyone gets paid. 

Until the next post...

Risk

Most of my life I have been a risk taker. I always figured that I'm smart enough to figure it out and I know how to hustle to make things work but lately with my decisions I have been a lot more cautious. I now find myself weighing out the pros and cons of every decision, even playing out the worst case scenario in my head just in case. I even shocked my mother with my new money budgeting views. She of course asked if I was PMSing but I explained I just don't have room for the bull shit at this point of my life. Every decision I make at this time is life altering. It's not go with the flow and it doesn't just effect myself but 3 other people now and 2 of them can't even make decisions for themselves. The weight of this responsibility is incredibly heavy, almost suffocating. My thought process is consumed by the need to make the right decision and fearing the chance of making a bad one. It's exhausting, I am constantly tired and have been neglecting other parts of my life like my significant other or even myself for that matter. I need a break from myself and the decision making. I'm hoping since the kids are with their father this weekend my significant other and myself can take some time for us and I can hopefully spend some time not having to make any decisions. The risk of him having to work is lingering but at least hockey will be on at some point and maybe I can get some rest.

The weekend is still days away but for today : GO BRUINS!!!

I am only one person

One of the greatest things I battle with in life is not feeling like I am enough or there is never enough of me to go around. I will admit it, right now it's bad. I keep saying "God won't give me more than I can handle" but I'm running out of hands. As much as I would like to channel my inner hecatonchire, I have to bow my head in defeat that I am only one person.

Lately at the end of my days I am just worn out. I am fighting to do what's right for my kids while dealing with an insane amount of other crap. And in that amount of other crap I have to stop and ask "does anyone remember what I'm going through? Does anyone have any idea the amount of weight I'm carrying around on a daily basis?". Some days its like I'm in a grape press. I want to stay positive and keep my head up but some days are hard (the rain probably isn't helping). I just wish someone would stop and remember how much is going on and that it's all going on inside this little body and mind. I know I've been through MUCH worse and in the end this will be fine also, I'm just frustrated. I know it might sound selfish but I'm trying to do so much for so many while dealing with other huge life altering matters and there is only so much of me to go around.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day........

Moving plans stink!

One of the major stresses right now is the fact that we have to move. Although this is kind of a blessing as the people down stairs are a challenge, moving itself is such a headache. First off, we have to move back to the state we just moved out of. Granted we live only minutes from the boarder but the person calling the shots says "it is highly advised". Lately I have spent my days looking at places. They are either too expensive or complete crap compared to what we have now. These people are out of their minds asking for that much. If we could buy a house we'd pay a fraction of what they're asking for rent as our mortgage AND we could make renovations without a problem.

Second, We don't want to really be on a "level" situation again. In our current situation we are constantly having to police the kids. The people down stairs hear everything they do and complain often. It's at the point that the kids can't be kids. There's also the issue of the people down stairs always blaming us for leaks so we have the condo association having to come in and look around to make sure we aren't causing it, the guys snoring vibrates our bedroom at night (you'd think he was in the room with us) and their dog...... well that dog is miserable and that's all I can say about that. As you can imagine, this is not a situation we want to be in again.

Third, I hate moving. I went to boarding school in high school and was constantly moving dorm to dorm or even just room to room. I have moved more then I ever care to again. Knowing that we are planning on packing up all our stuff to move, to just move again one day when we buy a house is frustrating. What's the point of unpacking then? I understand this move is something that has to be done timely but the interim is not too attractive.

Since my new thing is delegating things to people I guess it's time to contact a realtor to have them do the looking for me. Who knows, maybe they have a hidden gem we can actually afford. All I know is looking is just raising the stress higher.

Explaining the break

I know it's been a while since my last post. Boy have things changed since then. The drama reality of it is that this divorce is not going to end easily. I followed what I agreed to and went back to mediation however my ex did not make time for the meeting. I showed the mediator a handful (there are hundreds) of threatening, belittling, harassing and controlling text messages my ex had sent me through out the year since we had started following the agreement. I did what she asked and made notes of everything in the parenting agreement that was not working which resulted in me presenting 5 pages worth of issues. I showed her the pictures of my children's 2nd degree sunburn I one day picked them up with. At this point it was clear no amount of mediation was going to fix any of the issues regarding parenting or financials and I was going to have to take the next step. I left her office that night with her list of recommendations weighing heavily on my heart. These are my children and there is no love like a mother has for her children but I know I'm in for a fight. At that point my work became cut out for me. I haven't been able to update this blog because the process I am now going through has become extremely time consuming and exhausting when you add working full time and being a mom. I also have to be careful with what I say until things become more concrete but for now I'm stuck sitting on needles waiting for the process to begin.

Unfortunately with this decision taking these steps came another sacrifice... this now means my divorce is going to take longer which means the talks of getting engaged and married have stopped. Knowing it is now pushed back so much further is heart breaking. My significant other is my rock and strong for me when I can't be, he is my patience when I am at my end. I want nothing more then to make him happy but my one decision puts all that on hold. This past weekend he wanted to go to Newport and show my daughter the tower we had been dreaming about getting married at during it's historic moment that happens once a year, but the thought of that is just too hard. Don't get me wrong, doing what's right is worth the sacrifice but at the same time I can't help but feeling like my ex can control yet another part of my life. He already ruined Christmas, my birthday, Mothers Day, my son's birthday party and my significant others and my two year anniversary. Now he gets his hands on this and that hurts. Thinking about this one day wedding was my light at the end of the tunnel and what I looked at stuff for to get through the hard times, now I can't do any of that as it hurts too much. I used to sit and watch wedding shows with my daughter as she would plan our wedding but now I have to change the channel. It's hard enough to stomach my ex controlling my future, but the fact that he is controlling my significant others happiness makes me sick to my stomach.

I know this is a lot to take in on one post and unfortunately there is a whole lot more, however it is extremely draining and this is all I can write today. All I can do is be so incredibly thankful for my significant other staying my by side in thick and thin, the unconditional love of my kids and the never ending support of my family, my significant others family, my friends and my work family.

From this point on this blog will change to getting through this divorce process (and every day life stuff), but hopefully one day we can get back to why I started it.

It's Time

The other day I was reading my horoscope and it said "you will experience a relationship split around the 26th that will prove beneficial for both of you." Now, if you know my significant other or myself you know this does not mean him. Over my dead body will that one be happening with him.... But my ex however is a different story.

For the past 95 days I have spent time EVERY day trying to get him to finally sign and file the papers with me. We decided a long time ago this will be a joint petition. We're adults and can get this done, our children are all that matter. This week actually marks 1 year since we started mediation and I have bent over, backwards and sideways in this divorce to make this finally happen. I can not express enough that its time. I asked for this divorce in October of 2010 and have been more then patient.

Today I took a different approach. I asked for this as a gift from him for my birthday. I said its all I want and I want nothing but that. He said yes at first but then started the dragging of the feet again. I sympathetically explained that we'll still be friends and parents but this "obligation" needs to end so we can move on.

Fingers crossed this is finally coming to an end so We can both move forward..

A Clean House Is Not Lived In

My daughters talent show last night was simply AMAZING! I was so incrediably proud that yes, a tear was shed. I truely am lucky that my ex and I get along enough that we could all sit in the same row and with our son in-between us. It was such a nice night and she is very proud of herself as well. She is still wearing the bow in her hair today and I'm one signature away from being a cheer mom. Unfortunately my significant other was working last night and unable to attend. I had bought her flowers from me and an Alex and Ani Anchor (she's been obsessed with anchors lately) bracelet. What made me teary eyed this morning was that he even got her a card on his own and left it for her to wake up to since he left for work before she got up. She was so excited reading what he wrote it made my heart happy. My son has always had a great relationship with my significant other as they are boys and like all the same toys, however with my daughter it has been a little bit harder but they have come a very long way.

I'm guessing at this point you are wondering why I labeled this entry about cleaning and haven't touched on that yet... Now we will...

I decided today was going to be "Spring Cleaning" day in my house. My children love cleaning anyways but they also love making messes as any child does. We picked up mops that are their size after breakfast and I let them go to town. I figured 1500 square feet of hardwood floors would keep them busy for a bit. WRONG! It did keep them busy but I also ended up with puddles of suds everywhere. I seriously applaud the effort though. It was nice having clean floors for the moments it did last. They are again covered in toys and art projects. I guess what they say is true, a clean house is not a lived in house. Maybe I can at-least control the laundry getting done today...

Mothers and Daughters

In this life, I know there is always one thing I can bond with my daughter over and that is beauty. No matter what type of day we are having, I can say "let's do your nails", "let me try something with your hair" or even lately "lets take care of those black heads". Every time she loves it. It's more then a girl thing, it's something she gets to do with mom that her brother doesn't.
Tonight is her very first talent show. I remember my first talent show at her age just like it was yesterday. You could imagine my excitement when her friends were talking about what to do for make up and she said "my mom can do it!". I would love nothing more then to do it and share in that experience with her but due to the circumstances of how she's getting ready I won't be able to. This is one if those times divorce is just as hard on the parents and ultimately the child comes before your own wants. I may not be there to help her get ready, but I sure as heck will be one proud mom in the audience. ... Besides, I have all weekend long to spoil them

Making dreams come true....

Let me just start this with a disclaimer of having no clue where this post is exactly going to go.

My god mother and I recently had a conversation about how "only you can make your dreams come true, you can't just sit back and wait for it". WELL, I would like nothing more then to make my dreams come true but I'm also a realist. I currently work a job that has it perks but also great frustration on a daily basis. I appreciate the people I work with to such an extent that if I could buy out the owner I would. However would that be enough of making my dreams come true? That is an answer I can not give confidently.

What I do know is my dream is to be a business owner. I even have the whole business plan put together for my dream company and every day I meet at least one person who could benefit from it (and think of all the people I don't know yet). The fact is, when I think about it or talk about it I light up. Even just writing about it now makes me happy. This is something I have been putting thought into for 3 years now. I would love nothing more then to make it happen but in reality I don't have the funding to open its door. Money mistakes I made when I was 18 continue to haunt me and lord knows this job consumes my time and barely pays the bills. So now I sit with the glow of thinking about my dream, then I lift my head and realize where I am instead and feeling continuously road blocked.

I know just getting to this point in my life has been a struggle, but I am here. Maybe this post was the subconscious reminder I can one day get to where I want to be if I put my mind to it.

What's in a name?

This year for Easter my significant other met my Dad's side of the family for the first time. Although we have been together for almost two years, the timing never presented itself either because my children were there and they didn't know he existed yet or he was working. So this year was finally the year.

I introduced him just by his name, no title. One of my Aunts introduced him as my "new friend" however he wasn't exactly new, maybe to them but not to me. Then my mom introduced him as my "friend". At that point I finally said something. In my sweet, sometimes Boston accent I said "Ya Ma, my friend, I just picked him up on the side of the road on my way here" which grabbed a giggle from the family standing around and also started a discussion with one of my other Aunts about terminology. She said that she wished there was a better word for significant other and I agree. For a while I have felt calling him my "boyfriend" seems juvenile and off for someone that I live with and helps me raise my children. I know another name for him is just around the corner but until then this is what I'm working with. I could call him my "partner" but now a days that means multiple things and he already has two partners being an EMT. Boyfriend again doesn't sound accurate. So for now I'm sticking with significant other just like I do on this blog........... until he decides to change that...

Opposites Attract

At times my significant other and I are complete opposites. In fact when we started dating a lot of our friends were confused but then after seeing us together they got it. Clearly there are enough things we have in common to make it work but there are times we both have to bend and step out of the box when it comes to social circles. This weekend was one of those times.

The theme of this past Saturday was "Country club preppy girl falls for punk rock boy". Normally we are both working so much or have the kids that we don't go out so it really doesn't matter but this weekend our friends put together an art show and since it was our weekend without the kids we went. I always get nervous going to these things. Put me in a bar with our friends or have them at our house and it's all good, put me in a situation that I'm not used to and it's a different story. Now mind you I'm a preppy girl, no tattoos and pastel nails. Then throw me pretty much into an episode of Portlandia. It was awesome seeing our friends and their incredible art but they added music also. I'm pretty sure I lost some of my supersonic hearing and also understand why my significant other is hard of hearing after years of touring and playing in venues. He of course was reminiscing when people kept asking him what band he is with now. The answer - "I don't have time for music anymore". Now I've heard his "music" and "singing" and I can't associate it with him. He sounds possessed. I love him dearly... but possessed. Anyways, I got through the night and back on even ground the next day at Easter where we both wore pastel colors.

Just goes to show every pot has a lid, even if it might be a little different.

Making a living for....

The other day I was scrolling through Pinterest and saw a picture about not forgetting to make a life while making a living. It clearly got me thinking...

I work well over 40 hours in 4 days a week and then either have my kids or focus on starting my own business. Even with splitting 50/50 custody with my ex, there are not enough hours in the day. I seriously have no idea where they all go. My significant other is a full time EMT and works for his dad's wall papering company on his days off. We are very busy people. There are days I'm asleep when he comes home and he's asleep when I leave in the morning. We try to make sure we have one weekend a month that's just us but with that time we want to spend time together catching up or getting all the things done we had been putting off and need to get done. So where does the time come in to the equation to make a life outside of us? We don't even have the time to enjoy an HBO free weekend. Maybe one day we will win the lottery and then we can focus on making lives instead of a living. Until then, back to work I go.....

The Back Story

I figure before we start this I should fill you in the the back story. I know by reading the about me you might think "30? Mom of 2? She has got to be jumping right back into marriage" and I can understand how an outsider might think that, I would think that if I wasn't living it. The truth is I made decisions young, decisions I'm now a firm believer you should not be allowed to make that young, just like owning a credit card. One moment I'm a 22 year old new mom and the next thing you know I'm 28 years old, have two kids and am so miserable in my marriage that I asked for a divorce. Here's the kicker, I'm still not divorced (we'll get to that). Another lesson I learned young is divorce is expensive and even more expensive when you are young and don't have the funds for it. Almost three years ago we agreed our marriage was over and two and a half years ago we fully separated. We have both moved on with our lives and been in relationships. My ex has been in a few and I embraced the new found freedom and spiraled a little bit, until I reconnected with a friend from when I was a teenager. The world stopped and I didn't want the freedom anymore, he is the other half to me that I found when I wasn't even looking. To say he has been my rock in hard times is an understatement and a year after dating I knew where this was going so I introduced him to my kids and we officially moved in together. It was rocky at first but now a year later it has gotten much easier.

I know that was a lot of math and drawn out so the cliff notes version is- my significant other and I are approaching our 2nd year anniversary and the subject of marriage and kids are fresh on our brains. He says ready to take the leap and with the lessons I have had under my belt, I am too.

That pretty much brings us to today......... Getting my divorce FINALLY done, raising two kids and thinking about planning my grown up wedding