New day

Yesterday I was a bit cranky, sorry about that, but today is a new day and this morning I am in a pretty decent mood.

Not only did I get to wake up excited for the weekend but getting my car packed up to head to the lake house made it even better. The last time my significant other and I got to go up there alone was last fall and we had such a nice relaxing time. I think it is exactly what is in order to regroup and relax. Granted our cat isn't too happy about us leaving for the weekend but he's a cat, he'll be fine. I am even looking forward to the 2 hour car ride I'm embarking on right after this busy day at work. I'm excited to get up there, get some grocery shopping done, stop at the liquor store and enjoy some quiet time by myself before my significant other arrives after work.

Speaking of the dream boat himself, today he took the first step to attempting to quit smoking. I am so very excited about this. I quit (for the second time, last time was 8 years) almost 7 months ago and I'm excited for him to experience how much better life is once you kick that habit, never mind he's not going to stink anymore or stink me up by association.

So far today is a great day, however it is early and I have a long list of "unique" clients coming. Just need to look forward to 5:30 and hope I can actually get out of where I work due to a Flag Day parade closing down all the streets around the area. I figure in comparison to everything else going on, navigating around a parade should be a piece of cake :)

First

Today may be a two post day. I figure I'll start now while my work computer has decided to crash while trying to do payroll. Thank goodness for the nifty blogger app. 

Today I am weighing out the pros and cons of Facebook. I'm questioning if I really want the drama of it anymore. I do think its a great tool to stay in touch with friends and family but its also access to things I really just don't care about. I go on it to see what's new in people's lives but when I do that and my whole feed is couples posting on each others walls all day it just get ridiculous. First off- don't you work? Second- ever heard of texting? My new solution to this is to just either unfriend you (which I'm sure will turn dramatic) or block them from my feed. There are also those that you know only remain friends with you as something to talk about. I'll even admit that some days I only keep mine to see my significant others page (sorry, honest but true). Also, there was a picture posted recently asking if we really care about our privacy why are we so willing to give it up so freely on these social sights. That is something to really think about. 

Yes, I am aware I am writing this in a public forum about a private matter in my life but this is my outlet and I made sure to take steps to protect myself and my family so I can speak freely. Unfortunately, I also didn't start this blog for this reason, however this is life and if by any chance someone could stumble across it and help them not feel alone in this journey I am more then happy to help.

Well, work computer is up and running again. Time to make sure everyone gets paid. 

Until the next post...

Risk

Most of my life I have been a risk taker. I always figured that I'm smart enough to figure it out and I know how to hustle to make things work but lately with my decisions I have been a lot more cautious. I now find myself weighing out the pros and cons of every decision, even playing out the worst case scenario in my head just in case. I even shocked my mother with my new money budgeting views. She of course asked if I was PMSing but I explained I just don't have room for the bull shit at this point of my life. Every decision I make at this time is life altering. It's not go with the flow and it doesn't just effect myself but 3 other people now and 2 of them can't even make decisions for themselves. The weight of this responsibility is incredibly heavy, almost suffocating. My thought process is consumed by the need to make the right decision and fearing the chance of making a bad one. It's exhausting, I am constantly tired and have been neglecting other parts of my life like my significant other or even myself for that matter. I need a break from myself and the decision making. I'm hoping since the kids are with their father this weekend my significant other and myself can take some time for us and I can hopefully spend some time not having to make any decisions. The risk of him having to work is lingering but at least hockey will be on at some point and maybe I can get some rest.

The weekend is still days away but for today : GO BRUINS!!!

I am only one person

One of the greatest things I battle with in life is not feeling like I am enough or there is never enough of me to go around. I will admit it, right now it's bad. I keep saying "God won't give me more than I can handle" but I'm running out of hands. As much as I would like to channel my inner hecatonchire, I have to bow my head in defeat that I am only one person.

Lately at the end of my days I am just worn out. I am fighting to do what's right for my kids while dealing with an insane amount of other crap. And in that amount of other crap I have to stop and ask "does anyone remember what I'm going through? Does anyone have any idea the amount of weight I'm carrying around on a daily basis?". Some days its like I'm in a grape press. I want to stay positive and keep my head up but some days are hard (the rain probably isn't helping). I just wish someone would stop and remember how much is going on and that it's all going on inside this little body and mind. I know I've been through MUCH worse and in the end this will be fine also, I'm just frustrated. I know it might sound selfish but I'm trying to do so much for so many while dealing with other huge life altering matters and there is only so much of me to go around.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day........

Moving plans stink!

One of the major stresses right now is the fact that we have to move. Although this is kind of a blessing as the people down stairs are a challenge, moving itself is such a headache. First off, we have to move back to the state we just moved out of. Granted we live only minutes from the boarder but the person calling the shots says "it is highly advised". Lately I have spent my days looking at places. They are either too expensive or complete crap compared to what we have now. These people are out of their minds asking for that much. If we could buy a house we'd pay a fraction of what they're asking for rent as our mortgage AND we could make renovations without a problem.

Second, We don't want to really be on a "level" situation again. In our current situation we are constantly having to police the kids. The people down stairs hear everything they do and complain often. It's at the point that the kids can't be kids. There's also the issue of the people down stairs always blaming us for leaks so we have the condo association having to come in and look around to make sure we aren't causing it, the guys snoring vibrates our bedroom at night (you'd think he was in the room with us) and their dog...... well that dog is miserable and that's all I can say about that. As you can imagine, this is not a situation we want to be in again.

Third, I hate moving. I went to boarding school in high school and was constantly moving dorm to dorm or even just room to room. I have moved more then I ever care to again. Knowing that we are planning on packing up all our stuff to move, to just move again one day when we buy a house is frustrating. What's the point of unpacking then? I understand this move is something that has to be done timely but the interim is not too attractive.

Since my new thing is delegating things to people I guess it's time to contact a realtor to have them do the looking for me. Who knows, maybe they have a hidden gem we can actually afford. All I know is looking is just raising the stress higher.

Explaining the break

I know it's been a while since my last post. Boy have things changed since then. The drama reality of it is that this divorce is not going to end easily. I followed what I agreed to and went back to mediation however my ex did not make time for the meeting. I showed the mediator a handful (there are hundreds) of threatening, belittling, harassing and controlling text messages my ex had sent me through out the year since we had started following the agreement. I did what she asked and made notes of everything in the parenting agreement that was not working which resulted in me presenting 5 pages worth of issues. I showed her the pictures of my children's 2nd degree sunburn I one day picked them up with. At this point it was clear no amount of mediation was going to fix any of the issues regarding parenting or financials and I was going to have to take the next step. I left her office that night with her list of recommendations weighing heavily on my heart. These are my children and there is no love like a mother has for her children but I know I'm in for a fight. At that point my work became cut out for me. I haven't been able to update this blog because the process I am now going through has become extremely time consuming and exhausting when you add working full time and being a mom. I also have to be careful with what I say until things become more concrete but for now I'm stuck sitting on needles waiting for the process to begin.

Unfortunately with this decision taking these steps came another sacrifice... this now means my divorce is going to take longer which means the talks of getting engaged and married have stopped. Knowing it is now pushed back so much further is heart breaking. My significant other is my rock and strong for me when I can't be, he is my patience when I am at my end. I want nothing more then to make him happy but my one decision puts all that on hold. This past weekend he wanted to go to Newport and show my daughter the tower we had been dreaming about getting married at during it's historic moment that happens once a year, but the thought of that is just too hard. Don't get me wrong, doing what's right is worth the sacrifice but at the same time I can't help but feeling like my ex can control yet another part of my life. He already ruined Christmas, my birthday, Mothers Day, my son's birthday party and my significant others and my two year anniversary. Now he gets his hands on this and that hurts. Thinking about this one day wedding was my light at the end of the tunnel and what I looked at stuff for to get through the hard times, now I can't do any of that as it hurts too much. I used to sit and watch wedding shows with my daughter as she would plan our wedding but now I have to change the channel. It's hard enough to stomach my ex controlling my future, but the fact that he is controlling my significant others happiness makes me sick to my stomach.

I know this is a lot to take in on one post and unfortunately there is a whole lot more, however it is extremely draining and this is all I can write today. All I can do is be so incredibly thankful for my significant other staying my by side in thick and thin, the unconditional love of my kids and the never ending support of my family, my significant others family, my friends and my work family.

From this point on this blog will change to getting through this divorce process (and every day life stuff), but hopefully one day we can get back to why I started it.