One day everything will be okay....

So here I am, back at it again. Everything had been "stuck" for a while but now it's moving and already aggressively. Papers were served, motions were filed and dates were set. Of course the date doesn't work for my ex so it's going to get moved. I'm pushing for sooner because later does not work for me and I know that's what he's pushing for. We are already having too many co-parenting issues and power struggles. For my children's sake things can not continue this way. I constantly have my ex dictating to me thinking he is in charge and has now twice this week tried to accuse me of lying. The most ridiculous part is that I have texts upon texts upon text backing me up. You'd think at this point it would be figured out that I'm smart enough to not say something unless I have things in place backing me up. "Oh I didn't try calling you multiple times because you don't have any missed calls..." Here's a picture of my call log. "Oh I haven't tried communicating numerous times about how time is split up..." I not only have pictures of those conversations but am also smart enough to back up all my texts.... alllll of them. I went to sleep last night furious. I wanted to wake up and think "Today is a new day" however I have just spent my day communicating with my attorney over the matter. I guess for now I have to sit back, take everything as it comes and prepare for battle.

So it's gone there...

After months of waiting my ex has finally been served and he has done a complete 180. Tonight I caught him trying to record our phone conversation when I was reaching out to him to try to co-parent an issue I know 150% sure that he has had to deal with. Now all of a sudden he says that has never happened and tried to record the conversation. Thankfully I caught on and hung up. Now all communication is through writing. My attorney had suggested I do only that from the beginning but I was hoping we wouldn't have to get to that point. Apparently I was wrong. It's actually disgusting to me, especially when it comes to trying to use the kids. All I care about is what's best for my kids. This divorce was doing enough on a number on them as it was and now it has to get nasty. 

I guess at the end of the day I have to remember I am a fighter and I refuse to sink.

Cats out of the bag...

By now it's no longer a secret as it came flying out of my mouth...

On May 13th, to mark being married for 7 years that day, I signed an official contract with my attorney.

May 29th, I filled for divorce and since then they have been having quite a hard time getting him served. Three weeks following that date, the sheriff returned the papers to my attorney since the sheriff was unable to locate him. This situation raises a lot of questions and it was eating away at me keeping my mouth shut about what I finally decided to do. Since it came out, I have been more relaxed and not feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. Now this also explains why we are moving back to our former state leaving behind the one we have come to call home.

That brings us to today. After all the stress of this step as well as numerous work stresses (my phone has been going off with issues all morning on my time off), I am heading to the North Folk of New York  for a wine tasting female family reunion. This is a much needed get away and we are sitting in the car waiting to board the ferry. 

The journey to relaxation begins....

New day

Yesterday I was a bit cranky, sorry about that, but today is a new day and this morning I am in a pretty decent mood.

Not only did I get to wake up excited for the weekend but getting my car packed up to head to the lake house made it even better. The last time my significant other and I got to go up there alone was last fall and we had such a nice relaxing time. I think it is exactly what is in order to regroup and relax. Granted our cat isn't too happy about us leaving for the weekend but he's a cat, he'll be fine. I am even looking forward to the 2 hour car ride I'm embarking on right after this busy day at work. I'm excited to get up there, get some grocery shopping done, stop at the liquor store and enjoy some quiet time by myself before my significant other arrives after work.

Speaking of the dream boat himself, today he took the first step to attempting to quit smoking. I am so very excited about this. I quit (for the second time, last time was 8 years) almost 7 months ago and I'm excited for him to experience how much better life is once you kick that habit, never mind he's not going to stink anymore or stink me up by association.

So far today is a great day, however it is early and I have a long list of "unique" clients coming. Just need to look forward to 5:30 and hope I can actually get out of where I work due to a Flag Day parade closing down all the streets around the area. I figure in comparison to everything else going on, navigating around a parade should be a piece of cake :)

First

Today may be a two post day. I figure I'll start now while my work computer has decided to crash while trying to do payroll. Thank goodness for the nifty blogger app. 

Today I am weighing out the pros and cons of Facebook. I'm questioning if I really want the drama of it anymore. I do think its a great tool to stay in touch with friends and family but its also access to things I really just don't care about. I go on it to see what's new in people's lives but when I do that and my whole feed is couples posting on each others walls all day it just get ridiculous. First off- don't you work? Second- ever heard of texting? My new solution to this is to just either unfriend you (which I'm sure will turn dramatic) or block them from my feed. There are also those that you know only remain friends with you as something to talk about. I'll even admit that some days I only keep mine to see my significant others page (sorry, honest but true). Also, there was a picture posted recently asking if we really care about our privacy why are we so willing to give it up so freely on these social sights. That is something to really think about. 

Yes, I am aware I am writing this in a public forum about a private matter in my life but this is my outlet and I made sure to take steps to protect myself and my family so I can speak freely. Unfortunately, I also didn't start this blog for this reason, however this is life and if by any chance someone could stumble across it and help them not feel alone in this journey I am more then happy to help.

Well, work computer is up and running again. Time to make sure everyone gets paid. 

Until the next post...

Risk

Most of my life I have been a risk taker. I always figured that I'm smart enough to figure it out and I know how to hustle to make things work but lately with my decisions I have been a lot more cautious. I now find myself weighing out the pros and cons of every decision, even playing out the worst case scenario in my head just in case. I even shocked my mother with my new money budgeting views. She of course asked if I was PMSing but I explained I just don't have room for the bull shit at this point of my life. Every decision I make at this time is life altering. It's not go with the flow and it doesn't just effect myself but 3 other people now and 2 of them can't even make decisions for themselves. The weight of this responsibility is incredibly heavy, almost suffocating. My thought process is consumed by the need to make the right decision and fearing the chance of making a bad one. It's exhausting, I am constantly tired and have been neglecting other parts of my life like my significant other or even myself for that matter. I need a break from myself and the decision making. I'm hoping since the kids are with their father this weekend my significant other and myself can take some time for us and I can hopefully spend some time not having to make any decisions. The risk of him having to work is lingering but at least hockey will be on at some point and maybe I can get some rest.

The weekend is still days away but for today : GO BRUINS!!!

I am only one person

One of the greatest things I battle with in life is not feeling like I am enough or there is never enough of me to go around. I will admit it, right now it's bad. I keep saying "God won't give me more than I can handle" but I'm running out of hands. As much as I would like to channel my inner hecatonchire, I have to bow my head in defeat that I am only one person.

Lately at the end of my days I am just worn out. I am fighting to do what's right for my kids while dealing with an insane amount of other crap. And in that amount of other crap I have to stop and ask "does anyone remember what I'm going through? Does anyone have any idea the amount of weight I'm carrying around on a daily basis?". Some days its like I'm in a grape press. I want to stay positive and keep my head up but some days are hard (the rain probably isn't helping). I just wish someone would stop and remember how much is going on and that it's all going on inside this little body and mind. I know I've been through MUCH worse and in the end this will be fine also, I'm just frustrated. I know it might sound selfish but I'm trying to do so much for so many while dealing with other huge life altering matters and there is only so much of me to go around.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day........